Kakashi: A Ninja's Story
by SarcasticApathy
Summary: The tale of Naruto from Kakashi's point of view, with insight into his past and thoughts on certain events in the typical storyline. This will be a spoof for the most part.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Hey, this is my debut in the Naruto fandom. I have, however, written a couple of ongoing stories about other anime. Anyway, as the summary described, this story is a spoof of Naruto from Kakashi's eyes. But, it will still be written in third-person POV.

As you may notice, this chapter is rather short. But, it's a prologue, so it's setup is different than later chapters. Also, this chapter has many dark and/or depressing elements. This is completely unlike the rest of the story, but I wanted to set up a relatively realistic background for my version of Kakashi.

And, without further ado, here's the prologue of Kakashi: A Ninja's Story. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any form of Naruto because I'm not Japanese or a famous mangaka.

* * *

**Prologue: The Past**

"Kakashi! Hurry up or we'll be late."

A small, silver-haired boy flew through the house, a blur to the naked eye. Once his daily chores were completed, he dashed toward a young woman who was standing by the front door.

She was beautiful, a model of what the female population should strive to be. Caramel-brown hair framed her face perfectly, with more cascading down to her shoulders. Her gentle, sky blue eyes were on the boy rushing toward her. Seeing the look of eager anticipation on his face, she smiled. Her gentle face radiated with affection, a twinkle in her eye.

"Come on, Mom, let's go!" Kakashi said. "I don't want to be late on my first day."

The woman before him chuckled lightly.

"Are you sure you want to start today? It is your birthday after all."

"Yeah! The Ninja Academy's going to be so much fun!"

Hatake Hiroka laughed aloud as she followed the jubilant five-year-old out the door.

* * *

At first, the Academy had been surprised to enroll such a young child, the norm being eight or nine years of age. However, the instructors quickly discovered that the boy had received the genius gene from his father, the White Fang of Konoha. Prospective prodigies, close to graduation, were soon outmatched by the five-year-old.

In fact, his skill level was so high that, after six short months, Kakashi was given the opportunity to take the infamous Genin Exam.

Excitement overrode thought as he leapt across the rooftops toward home. The roofs made up the affectionately named "Ninja Highway." But, it was typically used for Chuunin level shinobi and higher. Luckily for Kakashi, his father had taught him the ability to latch to surfaces with chakra. That, and how to transfer chakra to his legs before jumping to increase air time.

However, when he reached the Hatake household, he detected an unknown chakra signature. Judging from the high concentration pushing through the suppression genjutsu, Kakashi knew that the stranger was incredibly powerful.

He hesitated for a moment. What could he, not even a Genin, do against such a person? Then again, how did he know it was an enemy?

Then he heard the bloodcurdling scream. Kakashi flew into action.

"MOM!"

The young boy used every skill in his rather limited book to get to the door in an instant.

As he entered the threshold, he spotted a horrifying image that would haunt him for many , many years.

Blood. It covered everything. The walls, the floor, the furniture, and even parts of the ceiling. In the middle of this gruesome pseudo-paint job, was Kakashi's mother. Or at least what was left of her. Her arms had been severed at the shoulders, her legs at the knees. There were several deep gashes in her torso and abdomen. Her face was just as torn. The head of the deceased woman was barely attached to the body, hanging by a small bit of flesh.

Over all of this stood a man shrouded in darkness. He turned to the horribly traumatized boy.

"Kakashi," he began, his voice deep and menacing, "I am Uchiha Madara. Foolish little boy, if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and survive in an unsightly way. Run, run and cling to life. And one day, when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me."

And, with that, he was gone.

* * *

This horrible event led Kakashi to his first failure in his life. He performed so poorly on the Genin Exam that the proctors considered removing the boy from the Academy for several years, and then reenter at a more normal age. However, just a month later, the cold, hardened boy retook the Exam and passed with flying colors.

Quickly placed on a a team of other Genin. With his help, they easily passed the true exam that eliminates 66 percent of all those that passed the "official" one.

Kakashi was promoted to Chuunin on his sixth birthday. He was placed on a team with Uchiha Obito and Rin, who became Chunin much later. At first, the silver-haired boy had refused to work with any Uchiha, but their sensei, Minato Namikaze, pushed them together at every possible turn, often setting them against each other. This instilled a fierce competition between the two. However, this didn't last long. At age thirteen, Kakashi became a Jounin. He was extremely cold and distant, but a very efficient assassin.

Several months earlier, Kakashi's father, Hatake Sakumo, Konoha's "White Fang," came back from a failed mission. At a decisive moment, Sakumo chose saving the lives of his teammates over the success of the mission. This led to a lost battle that extended the Third Great Shinobi War. Because of this, he was seen as a failure and shunned by most of his fellow shinobi, including the people he saved. This depressing life took its toll on the man's sanity, and he eventually killed himself.

Since then, Kakashi had done everything by the book, to the letter. This ultimately led to Obito's death, and he gained the newly-promoted Jounin gained the Sharingan, an extremely useful kekei genkai (bloodline limit), a special jutsu reserved for a particular clan.

* * *

A few years later, Kakashi joined the ranks of the ANBU, a special black ops organization specifically created to defend the village, and, more importantly, the Hokage. Therefore, in many cases they act as his bodyguards.

It was also during this time that the Hidden Leaf Village's greatest disaster took place. The Nine-Tailed Fox, more commonly referred to as the Kyuubi (Nine-Tails; short for Kyuubi Kitsune), under unknown circumstances ravaged the village. The Fourth Hokage, Minato, realized that there was only one way of truly destroying the Bijuu (Tailed Beast). He sealed the enormous mass of chakra in the undeveloped chakra coils of an infant, his son Naruto. The seal was designed so that, as Naruto grew older and gained more control over his chakra, it would break down, fusing the two chakra systems. Unfortunately, the cost was his life.

Kakashi was thrown into the third major depression of his life. He'd been close with his former sensei, and grieved for several years. He also started to agree with the villagers, who believed Naruto was the demon himself. His hatred slowly grew as stabs of emotional pain racked his heart. These feelings would slowly subside, but only after getting to know the Fourth Hokage's legacy.

* * *

Several years later, Kakashi ran into his younger friend, Uchiha Itachi. The teen seemed troubled, but asked the older man if he wanted to see the full extent of his power. Or, at least, a small measure of it. Curious, Kakashi agreed. He would be sorry he did so.

Later that night, the silver-haired man was directed to a rooftop that overlooked the Uchiha District, an area set off just for the clan. Itachi turned, smirking. He shot toward the first relative he could find, quickly slicing through his heart. Kakashi watched in horror as the teenager decimated the Uchiha ranks in seconds, finally turning to his own home. The older ANBU rushed toward the building, desperately trying to outrun the young genius. He was too late, though, as he heard screams from the main bedroom. Dismayed, Kakashi turned to leave. His eyes widened as he saw a small boy rush to his parents' room, calling out to them. Quickly recognizing him as Sasuke, he tried to stop him, but was frozen in place. Flicking his gaze toward Sasuke's destination, he spotted a grinning Itachi.

'Damn it, Kanashibari no Jutsu (Temporary Paralysis Jutsu),' he thought in frustration.

He listened closely, hearing the same words he'd heard as a small boy. "Foolish little brother, if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and survive in an unsightly way. Run, run and cling to life. And one day, when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me."

Sasuke's anguished screams rang through the night.

* * *

One year later, Kakashi withdrew from ANBU, his reasons known only to him and the Third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, who'd been reinstated after Minato's death. He took up a position as a sensei for newly graduated Genin. Why he did so no one would ever know. However, he failed every team he was assigned.

The reason? These Genin showed no inclination of teamwork. And without it, they would die, and Kakashi refused to lose those close to him.

* * *

**AN:** Okay, the "first" chapter's done. I hope it was enjoyable, and that you didn't commit suicide due to boredom. I'd probably end of responsible for that, and I can't afford to pay for a funeral. It's out of the question.

Positive feedback is encouraged. (In other words, review.) However, if you have nothing nice to say, please don't waste your time flaming me. Seriously, if you don't care about the story or the author of said story, why waste your time insulting them? Oh, and tell me if there are any grammatical issues. I don't proofread because, well, I'm lazy.

See ya in the next chapter!


	2. Team Seven

**AN:** Okay, apparently my prologue wasn't exactly...popular. I mean, even though it was short, 1 review? By the way, _Ichigo's Hollow 16_, you deserve a gold star! ...I just wish I had some to give out. Anyway, this chapter's a bit longer, though still on the short side. It was unavoidable, all character intro chapters are. Oh well, before I go off on a tangent, here's chapter 1 of Kakashi: A Ninja's Story, enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **What's the point of these again? It's not like anyone reads them.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Team Seven**

Kakashi slowly strolled toward the Ninja Academy, observing the scenery as he went. Squirrels chattered about life, birds chirped about nothing, and villagers bustled through the streets with gusto. All was as it should be in Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, or Hidden Leaf Village for short.

The silver-haired Jounin tilted his head toward the sky, glancing at the clouds. Lazy cumulus puffballs floated gently across the azure heights. Kakashi looked at the position of the sun. If his calculations were correct, and he was right 50 percent of the time – he was always either right or wrong – it was past noon. This meant the masked man was approximately three hours late for his "appointment" with his newly appointed students. Yep, that sounded about right.

Of course, Kakashi could have been there on time like every other Jounin sensei, thirty minutes late in Asuma's case. However, he'd learned the importance of smelling the roses and enjoying all of life's pleasures as often as possible. As a rule, shinobi came and went sporadically, you never knew if today would be your last. Kakashi had also visited the memorial stone, the kunai-shaped rock engraved with the names of every shinobi and kunoichi who lost his or her life while fighting to protect Konoha. In particular, the lazy pervert had gone to "talk" with his old friends Uchiha Obito and Rin. Unfortunately, Kakashi had used up all the time the Hokage had allotted him, knowing how unstructured the Jounin had become. In fact, he was stretching it, old man Sarutobi had told him to meet with his students within three hours, not after. Oh well, there was no way to change the past...unless you used a forbidden jutsu, but that was, obviously, forbidden.

And so, Kakashi walked into the Academy, choosing to make an old-school entrance, rather than just popping into the room with his handy-dandy Shunshin no Jutsu. From the lobby, he could hear loud complaints drifting down from the graduates' room. They came in the form of an annoying, somewhat nasally voice of a rather bored preteen. Not wanting to suffer the noise for much longer, Kakashi hastened his pace, making it to the door in under a minute...give or take ten minutes. And, of course, because you can't have negative time, it would obviously be the former...or the latter...whatever, the semantics don't matter at all. Observing the eraser precariously placed on the door, which was slightly ajar, Kakashi decided to humor the Genin, and he could provide himself with a reason to hate the little brats within the room. Stepping inside, he felt the eraser lightly bounce off his head, chalk dust pluming in his face. Laughter filled the chamber. The silver-haired man's eyes swept the room.

To his left sat a brooding boy, whom he recognized as Uchiha Sasuke. To his right was a pink-haired girl who was staring at Sasuke, her eyes aglow with something akin to passion, though on a far lower level. The midgets were twelve after all. However, the main attraction was the blond ball of energy before him. It was the infamous prankster, Konoha's Number One Unpredictable Ninja, Uzumaki Naruto.

'Great, just great...' Kakashi thought to himself glumly. 'I have to teach an emo brat with homosexual hair, an idiotic fangirl with an enormous forehead, and a freaking demon child. Oh how fun...'

Now, if there was one thing that mattered to Kakashi, it was the reputation he kept up around his fellow Jounin. If these children messed that up, he'd never hear the end of it. And so, he came up with the most intimidating statement he could think of on such short notice.

"Yeah....I pretty much hate you three already. Get on the roof now before I kill myself."

With very confused looks on their faces, the three Genin did just that.

'Damn it, I already screwed up...' Kakashi poofed away, determined to at least show off his speed.

However, when he reached the rooftop, he was dismayed to find the kids bored and waiting.

"C'mon sensei guy, you have to be faster if we ever wanna do missions!" the demon boy cried in his annoying voice.

"Shut up, kid. Okay, by law and all that crap, I have to introduce myself. And, I expect you three to do the same, or I'll send you back to the Academy before you can say 'I just got served'." He glanced at his disciples, who were showing no respect for him whatsoever.

"What the hell?" he demanded. "Why aren't you three respecting me, your elder?"

"That book you have is smut, isn't it?" the pinkette asked disgustedly.

"Hmm...yep, this page says 'he bent down and'-" The blond was cut off before he could turn this into an M-rated, graphic story. This was due to the fact that Kakashi had snapped the book closed in his face.

'I didn't even notice I had my Icha Icha out, am I going senile at my age?'

"Well then, I guess I'll just introduce myself, shall I? The name's Kakashi. I'm supposed to say something about dreams and all that crap, but it's too boring for someone of my prestige. Your turn demon boy."

The blond cringed at the name. "Hey! I'm not a demon, I just have one in my gut. It's not my fault my bastard of a father sealed the Kyuubi in his only son!"

The other three blinked. Where had that come from?

"Anyway, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I'll kick your asses all day long. Then, when that's done, I'll be the Hokage so I can punish those crazy villagers that keep trying to kill me."

"Okay then...emo freak, you're up."

"I, the great Uchiha Sasuke of the amazing Uchiha clan, am not emo. I am just acting as a dignified Uchiha should, since I was trained by the best the Uchiha clan had to offer. Uchiha."

Kakashi sighed in exasperation. "Are you...mentally unstable? You used the name 'Uchiha' at least twice per sentence. Besides, why'd you add Uchiha to the end of your introduction like a form of punctuation?"

"Hn."

"...You're just like your brother, you know that? But at least he had some skill, which I've yet to see from you."

Sasuke stared. "You knew my brother?"

"Yeah, and he was a god when it came to clubbing. Once he got so wasted, he held off 200 security guards by himself, so they had to sedate him. Good times, good times..." Kakashi replied, his eyes losing focus.

"Well, since you seem to be done, I'll go now," the pink-haired girl said, frowning at her sensei. "My name is Haruno Sakura. Since you guys seem to be insane – except for you, Sasuke! – I'll have to be the level-headed one in this group."

'Conceited little...' Kakashi growled mentally.

"This was a complete failure, huh?" he concluded. "Oh well, you three will meet me at the training ground just outside Kirigakure tomorrow morning at five. I'll see you then."

And, with that, he left.

"What the hell?!? Kirigakure? That's too far for even the Kages to travel in twelve hours." Sakura was outraged to say the least.

"Sakura, calm down, he confused Kirigakure with the Training Ground. I have no idea how, but he did, I could tell from his expression," Sasuke declared confidently.

"What the hell are you two talking about? For one, you can just shunshin a bunch of times and get to Kirigakure within a few hours, as long as you have enough chakra. I agree that he confused the two, but there's no possible connection to his body language," Naruto replied.

"Hn."

"Oh my god, what the hell, Sasuke? Is that all you ever say to anyone that contradicts you?"

"Hn."

"Orochimaru brought your mom back to life and molested her."

Sakura interjected, "Who's Orochimaru?"

"Hn."

"Sakura just violated a picture of you."

"Hn."

"Itachi died at Kakashi's hands."

"WHAT?!? Kakashi will die!" Sasuke screamed with fury. He hopped off, attempting the classic ninja roof hop. However, his chakra control was too poor and he slipped, and fell...and hit the ground. Hard.

"Oww...I think my leg's broken."

Naruto turned to his pink-haired crush.

"Hey, Sakura, do you wanna go hang out somewhere?"

With disgust, she replied, "I wouldn't go with you to your funeral, Naruto."

"...Oh my god, the bone's sticking out of my leg and there's blood everywhere..."

Naruto faltered. "But, but Sakura, what have I ever done to make you hate me with such a passion?"

"...I think I'm passing out. Yep, everything's going black..."

"I..." Sakura blinked. What had he done to cause such anger? "You don't like Sasuke," she concluded intelligently.

"...Ugh..." There was a faint thud as Sasuke's skull impacted the ground.

"If I did, I'd be gay..."

"True...Well, I still hate you. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Sakura stood up, and hopped over the ledge of the roof, running down the Academy wall. She easily made it to the ground, and rushed off to tell her parents about her amazing first day as a Genin.

Naruto sighed. Yet again, he'd be alone for the day. The blond slowly shuffled off to Ichiraku's, a ramen house that supplied the greatest food Naruto had ever eaten. He passed Sasuke's slumped form, glancing down before continuing on.

* * *

Kakashi headed to the Hokage's office to discuss his team assignment. There were several issues he wished to talk about. The first being why the Sandaime had been crazy enough to put the three on the same team.

His thoughts were put aside, however, when he stepped up to the Hokage's receptionist's desk.

"I'd like to see the Hokage."

The secretary, who happened to be Izumo, or Kotetsu – Kakashi didn't honestly care – stared. "Well yeah, what else would you be here for?"

"Just shut up and tell me if he's available."

"Fine. Someone woke up without his Icha Icha. By the way, how's the latest book? I haven't had the time to buy it."

Kakashi smiled. Finally, someone else appreciated the...quality of his reading material. "It's excellent. Jiraiya pulled out all the stops with it. I finished it a few days ago. You can borrow it if you want."

"Really? Awesome, do you have it with you?"

The silver-haired man sifted through his weapon pouch, pulling out the volume. "Here it is, just make sure you take good care of it. If you damage it in any way, I'll know."

"Sure thing. Oh, the Hokage's waiting for you in case you were wondering."

Nodding his thanks, Kakashi walked over to the threshold of the Sarutobi's office. Before he stepped through, though, he turned back to Kotetsu-Izumo.

"I'll know..." he hissed. And, with that, he shut the door behind himself.

Kakashi turned around to face the greatest man in all of Konoha, the Hokage. The old man was filling out a form, sighing as he smoked on a pipe. As he finished, he moved the sheet to a rather small pile to his right. The pile to his left, which Kakashi assumed was made up of unsigned papers, stood almost four feet high. It was probably held up with a jutsu of some kind. The Sandaime glanced up at the sound of approaching footsteps. His eyes sparkled slightly at the sight of one of his favorite Jounin.

"Ah, Kakashi, what brings you here?"

The silver-headed man sighed. "Hokage, I'm here to question your choice of team members for Team 7. The three don't exude any sort of skills that I've seen as of yet. None of them show any inkling as to the concept of teamwork. In fact, the Uchiha and the de-I mean Uzumaki seem to hate each other, with the Haruno child hating Uzumaki through association." He'd had to correct himself in the way he mentioned Naruto; the Sandaime had a special place in his heart for the boy. Some of the more obnoxious Chuunin had tried to spread a rumor that the feeling was more than platonic.

"Kakashi, I'd already taken these issues into consideration, and I still believe they will form the greatest team of Genin we have seen since my own, the Sannin."

At this, a silver eyebrow rose in consternation. "Are you sure? Well, I guess since you're Hokage, and I'm just the ANBU's ex-captain, I should trust your judgement.

"...But that doesn't mean I'll like it..." he muttered.

Sarutobi chuckled at his subordinate's expression. He blew out a smoke ring. However, this was no normal smoke ring, oh no. The smoke separated into two small clouds, forming the shapes of two shinobi. If one looked closely enough, one could see that they resembled the Shodai Hokage and Uchiha Madara. The latter is what grabbed Kakashi's attention. He growled lightly, the memory from his childhood springing back to the forefront. Kakashi watched as the two smoke-ninja fought an intense battle, ninjutsu and all. It was an amazing spectacle, the reenactment of the famous battle at the Valley of the End. As it drew to a close, the smoke-Madara poofed out of existence. As the smoke faded, Kakashi resisted the urge to applaud the demonstration of useless, but entertaining, chakra molding.

"This was the main reason I started smoking," the Hokage laughed. "The Nidaime was able to do this so well he recreated the First and Second Great Shinobi Wars. Ah, the good old days..."

Kakashi grinned as he quietly left the office, leaving the old man to his memories.

* * *

On his way home that night, Kakashi passed by the Academy. He stumbled through one of the alleyways, having consumed approximately twenty gallons of alcohol. That's alcohol, not beer, or wine, or sake, or whatever the hell shinobi drink. And, considering the very low alcohol percentages...that's a helluva lot of shots. His blurry eyes were able to make out an unmoving form on the ground, though.

"What the hell? Sasuke?"

When there was no reply, he tried kicking the boy in the ribs. Still nothing. Intoxicated as he was, Kakashi got angry very quickly.

"Damn you! Fine, I'll heal you with the only medical jutsu I know. Amputation no Jutsu!"

He pulled a kunai out of his weapons pouch and knelt down to prepare for the "jutsu." Placing the blade on the Uchiha's knee, he was about to slice through the flesh when he was smacked by a shoe. Yes, a shoe. He blearily turned to the source of this projectile. He gulped nervously.

Before him stood the entirety of the Uchiha Sasuke fanclub. This included every single kunoichi between the ages of ten and fifteen, with the somewhat notable exceptions of Hyuuga Hinata and Tenten. There were also, strangely, women around Kakashi's age. He found it slightly disturbing that these people would hound a boy of twelve.

"What do you chicks want?" he growled drunkenly. Then, a sly grin plastered itself on his face. "Oh, I know, you want to meet Kakashi junior, don't you?" He gestured toward, well, you know where. Of course, this was a bad move. A VERY bad move.

The kunoichi, thoroughly fed up with perverts, began to beat the life out of poor, not-that-old, drunken Kakashi. How he would rue the day he tried to help one of his students...

* * *

That night, Kakashi had horrible dreams based partially on his past. Although, the major factor was the alcohol in each. The most vivid of these involved Uchiha Madara.

_Madara grinned at the boy before him. However, something was off with the "immortal" Uchiha. For one, his clothes were hot pink, which actually flattered his physique. Another was his face. He had the Sharingan, but something was different about it. Instead of the tomoes or the shuriken-shaped black marks. Instead, it held the shape of a giraffe. And, it was playing polo with a donkey, the shape in the other eye._

"_Behold, the ultimate Doujutsu: the Psycho Sharingan!"_

_He activated it, and an elephant appeared. It didn't look too happy about being summoned. _

"_Who the hell are you, and how did you summon me without a contract?" it asked gruffly._

"_I am Madara the Great! How dare you question me? Respect my authority!"_

_The elephant summon scoffed at the Uchiha patriarch. It then dispelled itself._

"_Damn it all!" Madara cried in fury. "That was the key to my foolproof plan for world domination!"_

_Kakashi walked up slowly, unnoticed by the fuming Uchiha. He stepped up behind him, flipped through some seals, and used Chidori on the man's neck. He never even saw it coming._

_Smirking in satisfaction, Kakashi dusted nonexistent dirt off his hands and turned to leave. However, he froze as he heard the sound of movement. To be more specific, a body rising from the ground. Cautiously he made a 180 and nearly screamed in shock._

_Before him stood Madara, as angry as ever. _

"_Damn you! That freaking hurt! And no, before you even ask, I'm nothing like that freak Hidan. True we're both immortal, but while he devotes his time to that fool Jashin, I am a GOD!"_

_The silver-headed man stared. "You're not right in the head are you?"_

"_Sh-shut up!" the elder Uchiha shrieked. "Now DIE!!"_

_A ball of energy flew from Madara's Sharingan, speeding straight toward Kakashi's heart._

"Ahhhhhhh!"

Kakashi wiped his brow of the sweat that had formed in his sleep. He'd just had one of the weirdest nightmares of his life. He glanced at his clock. It read "5:00 a.m." That meant he still had another six or seven hours till he expected to show up for the test he'd prepared for those pathetic Genin.

"Whatever, I'm going back to sleep," he muttered to himself. And, he did just that.

* * *

**AN:** Well, there's another chapter completed. I hope this one does better than my last. It actually fits the genre I put this story under. I just hope, in my pathetic attempt at comedy, the writing hasn't degenerated into nonsense. I'm pretty sure my fans of PoS are angry that I haven't updated the story in a while, but I guess I haven't had much inspiration. I'll try to get a chapter up soon, though.

Here's the usual: Tell me if anything's wrong with the story. Okay? It's not that hard. Just hit the little review button.

See ya in the next chapter!


	3. The Bell TestKind of

**AN:** Hey! I finally updated a story. Anyway, I hope someone reads this and says, "Awesome, a new chapter!" Although, I doubt it, considering the lack of feedback. I mean, this is only the third chapter, but I've gotten like two reviews. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal. It's not like I write for reviews anyway. So, here's the next installment of Kakashi: A Ninja's Story. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** ...Do I still have to do this?

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Bell Test....Kind of**

Kakashi shut his door and locked it, then turned and walked off to the training grounds. It was already past nine, and he'd decided that waiting even longer would just create mayhem in the ranks of midgets that had graduated just a few days prior.

So it was that the silver-haired jounin strolled to the entrance of said training grounds before making a sign and disappearing in a swirl of leaves. He reappeared a moment later among the leaves of a tree. It might have been seen as symbolic to some poetic sap waltzing through the ninja village, but to a real shinobi it meant one thing: he was spying in a quasi-pedophilic manner.

The tree in which Kakashi was so (un)comfortably perched was, in fact, the one that the youngest, and most emo Uchiha had chosen to lean against. So the ever-stationary foliage (it was unnatural for trees to do anything but stay still; but, in a world with Mokuton jutsus and a crazed clan patriarch, nothing was certain) was the perfect place from which to observe his budding genin. Of course, this also provided him with a chance to read his precious Icha Icha, but that was his prerogative.

However, after about ten minutes, Kakashi decided that he might not be able to read after all. The demon brat, Naruto, was rather loud.

"Where the hell is that guy?" the blond cried for what must have been, for the genin, the seventeenth time that day.

The pink-haired girl grit her teeth in frustration. "Naruto, shut the hell up, or I'll beat you with your own headband, toss you off Hokage Mountain, pick up your corpse and drag it through Training Area 44, throw your remains in a bowl of ramen, and eat you."

The two male genin (and Kakashi from his hidden vantage point), stared at the girl before them, having, obviously, vastly misjudged her character. Naruto backed several paces away, Kakashi curled into a ball, and Sasuke would have done a combination of the two, if it hadn't been for the tree behind him. No one wanted to be near the cannibal-girl.

* * *

A little over two hours later, Kakashi decided that he'd let the two boys suffer enough from Crazy – the name he'd decided to give Sakura. So, with a gentle hop, he landed beside Sasuke, who'd started to burrow into the tree in hopes of escaping the pink-haired menace that was his teammate. Emo – Kakashi's nickname for the raven-haired teen – nearly had a heart attack.

Turning at the gasp from his rival, Naruto jumped at least twelve feet in the air before pulling out a kunai. The blond tossed the weapon at his new instructor. The jounin lazily reached out and caught the blade. "Now, now, Naruto, that's no way to greet your teacher."

"What the hell, man?!?" Naruto cried. "You said you'd be here-" he paused to do the math "-almost seven hours ago. What gives?"

"Hey, idiot," Sasuke monotoned, "did you really expect him to show up on time? He was late yesterday for introductions, a point during which important first impressions are made."

"Shut up, asshole," the blond snapped. "You've been here as long as, if not longer than I have. I'd say you fell for it the hardest."

The two boys glared at each other with such intensity that, had Kakashi not been exposed to the look of a true gay, Orochimaru, he would have guessed both were madly in love with each other. Or, to be more specific, in lust with each other. However, before the story could become Yaoi, the author decided to derail the shinobi's current train of thought.

_'Ooooh...look at the pretty ponies...' _was the single thought now going through the man's head. There were no animals of the four-legged variety anywhere within a twenty-mile radius, so the idea made no sense, but that was the objective all along.

"Hahaha...now you shall suffer, Hatake," a disembodied voice announced from the sky.

"What the hell? God?" inquired the demon boy.

"Wait, is this thing still on? Damn it! Pay no attention to the man behind the clouds."

And, with that, everyone suffered a mindwipe and the world returned to normal. Kakashi turned to address his pupils.

"Okay, I think it's about time I test you three to see if you're capable of functioning as actual genin. This is a very straightforward test. However, let me warn you that, as a jounin, I could kick your asses from here to Iwagakure in an instant. And, Demon, I don't think they'd appreciate your appearance."

"Whatcha talkin' about, you psychotic bastard?"

"...Nevermind. Anyway, all you have to do is take one of these bells." He held up the two to emphasize his point. "Now, I'll put these in a safe place-" he stopped when he realized the bells were no longer in his hands. A shrieking laugh filled the area, and all four members of Team 7 turned to view the newcomer.

Before them stood a buxom beauty in little more than mesh and bandages. Her long, slightly curly brown hair traveled down her shoulders and framed the woman's breasts. Kakashi and Naruto stared unabashedly, while Sasuke didn't react whatsoever.

_'Yep, he's gay,'_ the kunoichi thought. Shaking her head, she turned to the others. "Ha! Swiped your bells, Kakashi! That's for reading your goddamn smut in public. Whatcha gonna do now without your priceless testing bells?"

The silver-haired man stared in horror. "No! Not my bells!"

"Yes, yes indeed, Hatake." The kunoichi sped up in a reddish-brown blur.

"Kurenai!" Kakashi yelled. "Get the hell back here with my bells!"

After approximately twenty seconds of silence, the jounin pulled out two more bells. The genin blinked.

"Dude, what's going on? You had more bells, but you acted like it was the end of the world when that crazy lady snatched the first two." Naruto stated.

"Well yeah," the older man replied, "but there are two very good reasons for that. One is that she'll leave me alone, thinking I'll attack her for the bells. The other is that I just got a very nice view of two of the greatest jugs in all of Konoha."

"Pervert!" Sakura screeched. Naruto, on the other hand, gave the man a high-five.

"Hell yeah! That's the way of the ninja!" He turned to the silent Emo. "Oi, Emo. What'd you think of that display of Awesome?"

"Hn."

"Yeah...there's no way in hell you're straight. Sakura, I hope you don't mind the fact that your crush is completely gay and will probably never do the naughty with you."

The pinkette exploded. Not literally of course, as that would be rather messy. Not to mention the poor hunter ninja that would have to retrieve and analyze each body part; on their day-off, no less. The girl began her assault with a rather poorly planned frontal barrage of Academy style taijutsu. However, her attacks were backed with the fury of a righteous woman. In short, the male members of Team 7 (except "Sasuke-kun" of course) were completely and utterly screwed.

* * *

After both Naruto and Kakashi had recovered from their beating, the latter completed his test speech. As soon as he said "Go!" the three jumped away to hide. Well...not Naruto, but then, he wasn't exactly known for having forethought.

"Dude, I'm gonna kick your ass!" he cried. Kakashi sighed in exasperation, didn't he realize that a genin would never defeat a jounin?

The blond demon boy charged his teacher, who, in turn, stepped to the side and threw an arm out, effectively clotheslining the boy. Then, Naruto suffered the most intense slap session he'd ever experienced. As the silver-haired jounin slapped the boy into submission, he called out the number of times his palm hit the one before him.

"Two palms. Four palms. Eight palms. Sixteen palms. Thirty-two palms."

"Shut up, asshole, and just finish hurting me," Naruto yelled. His instructor happily obliged.

"Sixty-four palms. One hundred twenty-eight palms!" he finished. "Ha! Take that, ya damn Hyuugas!"

* * *

Somewhere, off in a galaxy far, far away, a man sneezed.

"Stop sneezing you should, or kick your ass I will," a green hobgoblin-looking old man stated. The man before him fell to his knees.

"I apologize, Master!"

"Good. Because sorry you are."

* * *

Off in another place, far closer than the previously mentioned area, a dark-haired man sneezed.

"Damn allergies," he grumbled. "Hanabi, get me my medicine!"

"Yes, oh awesome fatherly person guy," came the instant reply. And, approximately three minutes later, the girl returned with a bong and a nice, healthy helping of weed. Yes, weed, as in marijuana. After thanking his daughter for fetching the items, the man prepared his medicine, and took a deep breath.

"Hell yeah...weed...nothin' like it..."

* * *

Naruto groaned as he lay on the ground. Every single chakra point in his body had been closed by **slaps**, and, had it not been for the Fox, he would have been dead. Even so, he was on the verge of death. Of course, the man standing above him, who had put the boy in this state, felt no remorse whatsoever. In fact, he looked at the boy with disgust in his eyes. For what good was a ninja who chose not to use his brain? Sure, the boy had tried to fight, but a head-on assault against an opponent far superior to you is a sure-fire way of getting one's ass handed to you.

"Naruto, although I commend your efforts, I am disappointed in your lack of thought. Think about what you've done, and I will let you out of your time-out in thirty minutes."

Unfortunately, the blond was unconscious, and, therefore, unable to hear what was said. However, Kakashi took this silence as agreement, and turned around to face the area holding his other two students. After pulling out his book, he called out to them.

"Oi, Crazy, you might as well come out now. I don't feel like wasting my energy by hopping over there."

The pinkette grudgingly complied with the "order."

"This better be quick, you bastard. I was about to jump Sasuke-kun."

Kakashi paused. He had been about to take the crazy bitch down, but there was still something he had to correct.

"Please, for the love of God, take that goddamn suffix off of Emo's name. It's just plain annoying. I don't care if you still say his name with the same inflection and emotion, just don't add the freaking '-kun' to it," he pleaded.

"If it'll make this end sooner, fine," she replied. "And, to amend my previous statement: I was about to jump Sasuke and make him give me his babies."

"...You were dropped on your head as a child, weren't you?"

"Sh-shut up! Perverted bastard!"

"Hey, watch the language, there are idiots present," he said, his eyes returning to his book.

"That's IT!" she screamed. "I'm going to kill you!"

And, with that, she charged. Of course, this was, once again, a foolish move which landed her on her ass. Then, the slightly amused jounin pulled out a small tube and squirted a gooey substance on her lips. With a grin, he hopped back out of the girl's reach.

"What the hell did you just do?"

"Oh, nothing. I just epoxied your mouth shut. (**AN:** What were you people thinking?) It should harden in...3...2...1...now," he replied. And, like he said, the girl's mouth was sealed. She continued to make grunts, but it was a vast improvement from what she'd been just two minutes earlier.

"Well, I'm off to put the smackdown on Emo. See ya!" Kakashi chirped, his eye is that odd, anime-style upside-down "U" shape. And he shunshined away.

He reappeared in a field that was, maybe, ten feet away from the one he'd just left.

"Okay, Emo, you're up!"

The raven stepped out of the foliage in what he must have believed a dramatic and smexy fashion. However, it was neither of these, considering his slightly slouched figure. That, and his foot got caught on a root, which of course led to a slow-motion scene in which Sasuke cried out in a deepened voice.

"Nooooo!"

And then, his face hit the ground. When he got back up, his face portrayed the many emotions the Uchiha was feeling. Or, at least, it would have if he could feel anything besides indifference.

"Okay. I believe that, after that stunning performance, a battle is in order."

"Hn."

"...That's all you're going to say, isn't it?"

"Hn."

"That's not even a word. It's like a grunt, but with less emotion."

"Hn."

Kakashi gave up. "You know what, fine. You fail. You all fail. Go back to those conveniently placed stumps where we started. I have to go collect the others."

* * *

About ten minutes later, Kakashi turned to his three failures at life.

"I have to say, I'm disappointed in you three. I mean, I beat all of you in what? Maybe ten minutes. Even for genin, that's pathetic."

The three just glared at him. Well, Sasuke and Sakura did; Naruto was still unconscious.

"It's kinda sad that Demon Boy over there held me off longer than you two combined. Seriously, people have screwed up his training, and he's still better than you. It's pathetic. All of that aside, you three didn't even realize the point of this exercise, which was, by the way, teamwork. I should fail all three of you because, frankly, you suck."

The other two conscious members of Team 7 were about to protest, but Kakashi cut them off.

"Shut up. As I was saying, I should fail you, but I won't. Old man Hokage would kick my ass if I failed Naruto, and the council would bitch at me for an eternity if I failed Sasuke. You, Crazy, are only passing because genin can only act in three-man cells.

Anyway, you two should go home. Pinky, that epoxy's gonna be hell to get out, just so you know. Emo, eat something other than tomatoes and ketchup. Now go, get out of my sight you pathetic brats."

When they left, he picked up the snoozing blond and shunshined to the Hokage's office. He was immediately let through because, face it, he's a kick-ass ninja. As he entered the office, he was barraged with questions regarding his passenger's condition.

"What the hell happened to Naruto, Kakashi? Is he okay? Does he need medical treatment? Did you do this? If you did, I'm stripping you of your shinobi status."

"Calm down, man, he's fine. You know he can't die, considering he's supposedly the main character of 'Naruto.'"

"True," the old man agreed. "Anyway, what are you doing here? I was about to have some alone time with my precious."

"...Woah. Woah. Woah. I did NOT need to hear that. Thanks for scarring my mind, you bastard."

"You do realize that, if you weren't my favorite, you'd be executed for that, don't you?"

"Yeah, but I am your favorite, and I abuse my position. But, as to why I'm here, I'd like to say that Team 7 passed."

"Really? That's excellent. How did Naruto do?"

"Actually, he showed the most qualities needed for aspiring ninja. He actually held me off for five whole minutes. Although, I probably went a little overboard in the beat-down."

"Oh?" An aged eyebrow rose. "What did you do?"

"I used a bastardized version of the Hyuuga's Gentle Fist. And by bastardized, I mean I slapped the hell out of the boy."

The Hokage winced. That could not have been comfortable, no matter the circumstances.

"Well, that answers most of my questions. However, I'd also like to know why you're dragging the poor boy around like game."

"Oh, that. Well, the last time I left someone half-dead on a training field, the hunter ninja chewed my head off, saying something about 'potential military loss' or some such nonsense. I don't really remember, since I was reading a new volume of Icha Icha, and it had gotten pretty juicy."

"Ah, yes. Was it Icha Icha Revolution?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was the one."

"Yes, that has truly been Jiraiya's best work as of yet. Did you know he's on the verge of releasing the next book? He sent me a preview, and I have to say, it might be better than Revolution."

"Seriously? Do you think I could borrow that?"

"Of course," Hiruzen replied. He shuffle through the contents of his secret drawer and pulled out a manila envelope. "Here it is. Keep it safe, and don't let anyone else read it."

"Of course, Hokage-sama!" Kakashi saluted. "Permission to leave?"

"Granted."

The silver-haired man left is a hurry, most likely so he could go read the contents of his little gift. Sarutobi sighed. Youth was a wonderful thing. However, that didn't mean he'd go spouting nonsense like Gai. That would just be ridiculous.

He looked at the unconscious form of Naruto. With the push of a button, an Anbu operative swooped in and took the boy away. Hiruzen grinned. Leaning back in his chair, he pulled out his book and began reading.

Yes, tonight would be a good night.

* * *

**AN:** And, it's done. Tell me how you think, etc., etc. I'm out of crazy at the moment. Gotta go refuel with crack, caffeine, and booze. Well, I'm out. See ya in the next chapter!


	4. A Wave of Idiocy

**AN:** So...here's another chapter. This is so fun to write, but I feel guilty about not updating my Prince of Tennis story since like last year...Ah well, I suppose I put it on temporary hiatus for a reason. Anyway, I hope the quality of this chapter is up to standard, whatever that may be. (most likely ridiculously awful) But, why am I even writing this note? Statistically, it's shown that only a minute fraction of readers read these. So, without further ado, here's chapter three. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** This will probably be the last one. I wouldn't have added this if it hadn't been for a sad little joke towards the end of the joke. So, I don't own anything of worth, I'm just a loser with too much time on his hands, etc., etc.

* * *

**Chapter 3: A Wave of Idiocy**

Kakashi approached the door to the Mission Hall. It wasn't really a hall – more like a cramped, renovated storage room – but Hokages were wont to exaggerate the importance and extravagance of the areas over which they governed. Why? To create an illusion of awesome that made the other Kages jealous. Yes, it was petty, but what branch of politics isn't?

As soon as the slothful jounin opened the door, he was assaulted from all sides (verbally, but a seasoned ninja is one of the most paranoid of earth-dwelling creatures). Fearing attack from the enemy, Kakashi pulled up his headband, activated his Sharingan and whipped out a Raikiri.

"Kakashi! Stand down! Seriously, the only people here are yourself, Iruka, your genin – whatever their names were – and yours truly." Sarutobi was ashamed at the mental state of his subordinate. If he was that edgy, how the hell could he be sent onto the battlefield?

The silver-haired man blinked and looked around. Sheepishly, he grinned at the Hokage. "I knew that."

"...Right. Anyway, today, your team will be assigned a D-ranked mission. Now-"

"No."

"What?"

"No."

"No what, Kakashi?"

"My team will NOT do a freaking D-rank mission. I didn't have to when I was a genin, so there's no way in hell I'm doing one as a jounin."

"Kakashi, we were in the middle of a war, damn it! There weren't enough people inside the walls to complain about something as ridiculous as unpainted fences. Now, you WILL accept this mission."

"No."

"Kakashi!"

"No."

"...Damn it all. Fine, I'll give you a C-rank. Happy?

"Not really, but I guess I can settle with that. Although, I expect a few gumdrops as compensation."

The Hokage, supposedly the strongest man in the village, nearly wept at that moment. Here was one of Konoha's symbols, Sharingan Kakashi, throwing a tantrum over missions and asking for candy as a reward. Why, damn it, WHY?

"Iruka, give him the damn candy. And, could you man the mission table for a while? I need a smoke."

"Of course, Hokage." The addressed elderly man made his exit.

Kakashi grinned as the chuunin handed him his sweets. Finally, things were going his way. Gumdrops could solve all of life's problems, after all. He chuckled as he devoured the little blobs of concentrated diabetes.

"My precious...precious...gumdrops."

Across the village, the many shinobi of Konoha mourned the loss of the sanity of yet another member of their ranks.

"All right, team, let's go!" Kakashi sprinted out of the room. "For YOUTH!!"

"....NOOOOO! Not another one! Anbu, take him out!"

However, it was much too late to catch the jounin on a sugar high. This failure would crack the already tenuous morale of the Konoha troops.

* * *

Tazuna stepped into an empty Mission Hall.

"...the hell? Where are my bodyguards?"

Sarutobi walked into the room. Spotting the drunkard, he facepalmed. "Damn it, I knew I was forgetting something."

"Hey, old man, where's my team of ninja?"

"I'm not that much older than you," the Hokage grumbled. "And, they're getting ready for the mission. Go meet them at the front gate."

"Sure thing, ninja-king dude." Tazuna shuffled away, a bottle of booze in his hand.

Sarutobi sighed. Was it too much to ask for a normal moment in life?

* * *

"So, team, our mission is to escort some old guy to the Wave country. I have no idea why since I tossed the scroll after reading the first line and looking at the picture of the client."

Naruto glared. "I freaking hate you, you pathetic excuse for a teacher."

Kakashi blinked. "What's with all the negativity, man?"

"...You didn't even stop to consider looking through the mission scrolls for one where we fight off armies and the like."

"Dude. C'mon, you don't actually think that type of mission would be C-rank, do you? Seriously, that would like be a multi-cell SS-rank mission."

"Hey, sensei, why are you so mellow at the moment? Just a minute ago, you were so ridiculously energetic it was scary," Sakura stated.

"It's because I'm awesome. No more questions. We embark as soon as our client shows up."

Sasuke took this moment to make his presence known, although it wasn't like anyone cared. "That reminds me, why are you so early this time?"

Kakashi whirled his Sharingan-Raikiri combo on the depressed genin. "Didn't I just say 'no more questions'? Shut up."

The jounin turned away, not interested in his subordinate's reaction. It just so happened that Sasuke passed out from both shock and fear. Of course, considering Kakashi is the main character in this story, that doesn't matter at all.

Footsteps attracted the silver-haired man's attention. Turning, he spotted the client from the mission dossier. He grinned. Things were about to get interesting.

"Hey, old guy, over here!" he called. Tazuna glared. Seriously, he wasn't that old. However, wanting to get the whole thing over and done with, he approached the group. Immediately upon arrival, Kakashi led the group out the gates into, for the genin, a brand new world.

Not really.

The world outside the village walls was exactly the same as that within. Well, that's not exactly accurate either. If it was, Konoha would have no distinction as a village. So, logically, one must assume that there were many differences. One such difference was the puddle before their feet.

Kakashi sighed. "Ya know, it saddens me to see that ambushers have gotten so sloppy. Back in the day, people were actually surprised by a 'surprise attack.'"

"Stop blathering, old man. There's nothing out of the ordinary anyway," Naruto retorted. Kakashi looked at him incredulously.

"Seriously? Do you not see the big-ass puddle in front of us?"

"Big? It's like maybe half a foot in diameter. If that's large to you, I think I know why you're stuck reading your Icha Icha books."

Kakashi stopped for a heartbeat before turning and punting the demon boy into the nearest tree. The resounding crack may have been the tree or some bone in the boy's body. Personally, he hoped it was the latter. Sasuke chuckled darkly at his teammates misfortune.

"Dumbass..." In an instant, the blond was back on his feet and inches from the Uchiha.

"What was that, asshole?"

"I called you a dumbass. Why? Do you think I'm mistaken?"

Off to the side, Tazuna conversed with Kakashi. "Why do those two always have to mention the word 'ass' when name-calling?"

Kakashi grinned. "It's because they're butt buddies!" he replied loudly enough for the two quarreling genin to hear. As one, they turned to their teacher and sent as massive a wave of killing intent as they could. Of course, being genin – and with Naruto not in demon (aka. red super saiyan) mode – this was pretty pathetic, and actually cooled the warm summer day just enough to make it pleasant.

"Hmm...portable air conditioning. Excellent idea, guys. Keep at it."

"Sensei," Sakura commented relatively calmly, "is it really wise to piss those two off so much?"

"Of course. It's a good stress reliever, and, as a world-renowned jounin, I need to avoid stress whenever possible."

The pinkette sighed. "...That's not what I meant..." she mumbled. Kakashi chose not to hear this.

"Anyway," he continued, "I'm guessing those ambushers will appear any moment now, probably targeting me first in an attempt at a quick surprise knock-out. So, the obvious solution is as follows. Pay attention, and don't blink or you'll miss it."

A split second later, Kakashi whirled, flying through several hand signs. Electricity surrounded his hand, flowing off in waves of incredibly intense chakra. Even as this appeared, he threw his hand forward, spearing an attacker's chest. The release of energy on impact blew the man's chest apart. As it did so, residual electricity flowed through the chain he had been wielding. The charge sped through the impromptu conduit, and into the other assailant. The man screamed in agony. Muscle failure followed the physical torture, and he collapsed, unconscious before he hit the ground.

All this happened in the span of a few seconds. The genin were stunned beyond words; this was their introduction into the brutally efficient ninja world. Kakashi moved to the unconscious ninja, and bound him in wire.

"A bit of information for you three. That was my Raikiri at half-power. Had it been a fully charged jutsu, this guy would've met a similar fate to his friend over there," he gestured toward the shinobi that currently had a gaping whole in his torso. "There are two reasons for my decision. Do any of you know what they are?"

"F-for interrogation purposes?" Sakura asked, being, surprisingly, the first to recover.

"Correct. Can either of you boys think of the other?" When they both shook their heads, he answered his own question. "To conserve chakra. I'm willing to bet my Sharingan eye that we'll meet a more powerful ninja before we get to Wave."

"Well, damn," was all Naruto was able to choke out. The normally brash knucklehead was, for once, unimaginable frightened. He'd faced the wrath of an entire village's worth of hate, but the nonchalance with which Kakashi violently ended another human's life was disturbing.

The silver-haired jounin turned to Tazuna, who also happened to be scared shitless. "Old man, I think you lied to us."

"No shit..." Sasuke muttered.

"Shut up, Emo," Kakashi growled. Everyone expected him to favor the youngest Uchiha, but the little bastard was a constant reminder of his lost teammate, Obito; just as Naruto was a constant reminder of the late Fourth Hokage. He returned his gaze to Tazuna. "So?"

"What?"

"Care to explain why this C-rank mission involves enemies that should only be in A-rank or higher tasks?"

"Wait, C-rank? What the hell? I thought I signed the form for missions requiring multiple jounin. Huh... I guess that explains why these little brats are here. My bad."

Kakashi twitched. Was their system really so faulty that merely filling out an incorrect form could cost lives? He'd have to speak with the old man when they got back.

"Well, I guess we should head back to Konoha," he surmised. "There's no way in hell you three kids could handle a mission like this. Individually, I could complete this, but not while protecting children who aren't experienced enough to survive."

"Damn it, sensei, I'm not walking all the way back to the village just to have a failed mission on my record!" Naruto yelled.

"Seriously? That's like maybe five hundred feet away; I can still see the chuunin gate guards."

"...the hell?" Naruto scratched his head in consternation. "I could've sworn this fight was supposed to be a lot further along on the trip."

"What're you talking about, idiot?" Sakura asked.

"I don't know. I just have this feeling that somewhere, some teenager is screwing with a published storyline, and, were it not for a random disclaimer, he could face serious copyright issues."

Kakashi sighed. "And this is why I hate kids."

"Shut up, sensei, you're no better," Sakura argued. "Right, Sasuke?"

"Hn."

"Damn it!" the demon boy exploded. "I knew you'd throw your damn 'Hn' into some conversation sometime today. It was only a matter of time."

"Don't yell at Sasuke! It's not his fault he's socially awkward. No offense."

"Hn."

"There it is again!"

The supervising jounin cracked. "That's IT! All of you shut the hell up, or I'll kill you like that Demon Brother."

"Hey!" Naruto countered, "you can't do that. There's no way it's legal."

"Didn't I just say 'shut the hell up'?" And, with that, Kakashi threw a Raikiri through the blond's chest. However, rather than dying in a very gory manner, he poofed into a cloud of smoke.

"Thank God for shadow clones," Naruto sighed in relief, standing twenty feet away from his clone's original position. "And, just so you know, violence isn't the answer to everything."

"Kid, we're ninja. Violence IS the answer to everything. Well, except when harming people is against the purpose of the mission. But, as long as no one important dies, and you hide the bodies of those that do, my previous statement applies."

"Hey," Tazuna interjected, "do you think we could get going. It took me almost three weeks to make the journey from Wave to Konoha."

"Yeah," Kakashi replied, "but you're not a ninja, which prevents you from being awesome."

"How does that apply to the situation?"

"If you're not awesome, you're not good at anything. It's the way things work, don't question it."

Sakura seemed contemplative. "Well, wouldn't you be good at being not awesome?"

"No. That's a common misconception. If one is awesome, he is better at being not awesome than someone who's not awesome."

"'He'? What about girls?"

"What about them? As a woman, you're born inferior to men. Your body is designed to perform the domestic tasks required of men. In short, get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

The pinkette added "sexist" to her list of words that described Hatake Kakashi. "Bastard!"

She decked him. It was quick, but by no means painless. In fact, the lazy jounin had trouble believing a greenhorn genin could access such power. He was sure his jaw was cracked in a few places.

"Sho," he slurred, "lesh ge' goin'." Yeah, it was cracked. Damn it, he'd have to break out his secret medical jutsus. He brought his hand to his chin, channeled a vast amount of chakra into it, and shook his jaw back and forth. With a pop, Kakashi felt his jaw heal.

"Huh...guess it was just located. Anyway, like I said, let's get going." Seeing the looks of both reluctance and apprehension, he added, "Should we sing a song as we travel?"

His odd question was met with several raised eyebrows, and a quiet "Hn."

"Okay...I guess I'll start us off." Kakashi cleared his throat. "Oh...we're...off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz..."

Slowly, the others joined in, and, just as slowly, they linked arms. An hour later would see them skipping down the road in a line, jubilantly singing their song.

* * *

**AN: **Aaaand...this chapter's over. Tell me what you thought, be it postive, negative, random, or anywhere in between. Thanks.


	5. That Was Quick

**AN:** Here's chapter four. Some may see some of the content in this chapter as vulgar. Honestly, I'm not sure if I should raise the rating to M. Some of this is a little iffy. My few readers are awesome, yadda, yadda. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 4: That Was Quick**

Kakashi stopped the happily skipping quintet. He made a signal for silence. From his person he drew an odd looking shotgun. Slowly, he crept toward the line of bushes to the group's right.

Naruto was growing tired of his teachers antics. "Kakashi, what the f–"

"Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet: I'm hunting wabbits!"

The jounin took a shot into the underbrush, and a white rabbit hopped out indignantly. The three children recognized it immediately and stomped it into the ground. Picking up the cartons of yogurt, they simultaneously cried, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

Joyously indulging in their yogurt, the genin of Team 7 were unprepared for what happened next.

A faint whirring was all the warning Kakashi received before he moved. Grabbing the spinning sword out of the air, he turned, decapitating the man following it. Before the head could hit the ground, he turned the blade. With a firm smack, he hit the hair-covered baseball with the flat of the blade. Kakashi quickly activated his Sharingan and tracked the arc of the flying head.

"I'd say that went at least 500 feet. What do you think, old man?"

Tazuna was too stunned to react to the nickname. He just nodded, having barely heard the question through the shock.

Kakashi threw a fist into the air. "Ha! That means I beat Gai's record of 456 feet during the War. He'll be so mad when I tell him about it."

"K-kakashi, who was that guy?" Naruto asked. Why is Naruto the kid that always speaks, you ask? Read the manga and watch the anime. It might lessen your ignorance.

The silver-haired man looked at the body by his feet. Eying the pool of blood coming from the dead man with disdain, he hopped back. Kakashi checked the bottom of his sandals, and, as he'd feared, they were coated with the red liquid.

"Damn it, this stuff's a pain in the ass to get out of shoes," he griped. "And, to answer your question, I believe this was Momochi Zabuza. Let me check the head, just to be sure."

Forming the infamous seal, he released some chakra, and a replica of Hatake Kakashi stood before them. In a flash, the copy was examining the head of the once missing-nin. After a couple of seconds, the clone poofed away, and the original Kakashi turned back to his entourage.

"Yeah, that was Zabuza all right...Hold on; I sense a disturbance in the force."

For the second to last time in this overly-written arc, Kakashi made his move. As a sheet of ice appeared behind him, he twirled, a Raikiri already forming around his hand. With a quick jab, he pierced the assailant's heart. The mask on the figure's face magically shattered as the dead shinobi fell to the ground. Kakashi glanced at the carcase before washing the blood off his hands with a quick jutsu.

"And that was some girl that no one cares about." He turned back to Tazuna. "Okay, old man, let's go. I'm getting bored of this already."

"Wait," Sakura (A bit of variation? Impossible, no?) interjected, "aren't you going to give these two a decent burial?"

Kakashi gave the girl an incredulous look. "Hell no! I'm not paid to dig ditches. Don't worry, some poor bastard will find these bodies and deal with them." He turned away. "Lead the way, old man!"

"But, why?" Tazuna complained. "I made sure there was a map in the mission folder so you'd know which way to go."

"Yeah, but I'll be damned if I'm going to memorize something so trivial. Now start walking before I get angry. You wouldn't like me angry." Kakashi chuckled darkly.

"How much worse could you get?" Sasuke asked impudently.

Kakashi nearly had a heart attack. "Ye gods! The Emo speaks!" So astounded was he by this development that he didn't even process the negativity of the question.

For about three seconds. Then, the rage was back. However, before Kakashi could murder his student, he was interrupted by the author. Or, rather, one of L. Frank Baum's creations that just so happened to appear in the Naruto universe...Hell, this story's about Kakashi, so it will now be the Kakashi universe. (And we all know how well THAT would have gone over with producers and such...Amazingly, if you weren't sure.)

"HOLY SHIT! It's a flying chimp!" Kakashi shouted, pointing at a primate in the sky.

Naruto coughed. "I don't mean to sound like an expert, but they're actually referred to as 'Winged Monkeys.'"

"Shut up, Demon. No one said you could speak."

"Yeah, shut up, dumbass."

"Emo, no talking. I thought we'd already established this."

"Hey! Don't talk to Sasuke like that!"

"What could you possibly do to stop me? I mean, seriously, I could kill you with half of my pinky. Go take your teammates and jump in a lake. If you didn't get the implied message, go die. I'm sick of messing around with midgets."

Tazuna blinked, disturbed by Kakashi's malevolence. "Hey, kid, that might've been a little harsh. Sure, they're annoying, but you shouldn't tell your students to go kill themselves. The brooding boy over there looks like he'd do it, too."

A second later, he realized what he'd just said. "Oh, dear God, I just called a man in his late twenties a kid. I really am old. Nooooooo!"

"Old man, just lead the way to your damn house. This traveling thing is getting old."

Silently weeping at his revelation, Tazuna slowly shuffled in the direction of his home.

"And hurry up, damn it! I want to wash the blood out of my clothes before it sets. That shit's impossible to deal with at that point."

Sakura looked at her "teacher" incredulously. "Seriously? All you have to do is channel chakra into the clothing, and separate the two materials. It's not that hard."

Kakashi turned to her, eyes wide. "Really? Holy shit, I never knew that. Pinky, you've redeemed yourself. But, I'd stay away from the other two, if I were you. Their taint of failure might rub off on you, if you know what I mean."

He giggled perversely at the blush on his student's face. "Yeah, hold on, let me find the page...Ah! Here it is. Page 96. Look at this picture, Pinky. Emo would probably go with this position."

She stared, wanting desperately to turn away, but paralyzed in morbid fascination.

"And, on page 104, you'll see the position Demon would go with."

Again Sakura stood still. But, this time it was in surprise. That looked like it required more flexibility than Naruto possessed. In fact, there was no way someone could pull that off unless they were...a...demon.

"Wait, is Naruto actually a demon?"

Kakashi stared. "Are you seriously that blind. Of course he is. He's the freaking Kyuubi incarnate."

Gasps followed this announcement. Then, Naruto decided to say his piece. "I'm not the demon, you bastard. I just keep it nice and warm in my belly. Although, it complains about being afraid of the dark, or some such nonsense."

All the random chit chat had finally pushed Kakashi over the edge. Releasing his chakra in an explosion, with a blast radius of 10 miles, he glared at the client.

"Damn it old man, just tell me the coordinates for your house. I'll get us there," he growled as he started kicking his unconscious students into a pile.

"312 North, 167 West," Tazuna barely managed to whisper, being close to passing out as well.

The silver-haired jounin flashed through a couple of seals and the group disappeared.

* * *

Pandemonium ensued when the quintet made their impromptu entrance.

Some woman started shrieking obscenities. "What the fuck? How dare you come into my home without a fucking invitation, you stupid, fucking bastard?"

Then she saw the shoes. Or, rather, the stains they were leaving on the carpet as Kakashi backed away.

"Oh, hell no," she muttered, her voice eerily calm after her explosive outburst. "You did NOT just ruin my beautiful carpet with your shitty shoes. I'll have your ass for that."

Without thinking, Kakashi replied, with a waggle of his eyebrows, "Sounds kinky."

And so began the slaughter of the man known as Hatake Kakashi.

* * *

Kakashi groaned as light poured onto his face. He turned, hoping to escape it, only to bump into something firm but soft. This piqued his interest enough to bring the man into the world of the living. Squinting to limit the light that passed into his sensitive retina, the jounin spotted a head with long, dark hair. Inching his face closer, he confirmed his earlier suspicion.

Definitely a woman.

"Score!" Chuckling at his merrymaking ways, he slipped out of bed and pulled on his clothes which had been thrown haphazardly around the room. Then he realized they were still blood-stained. Kakashi decided it was time to test Sakura's method for cleaning such a mess.

Within seconds, the clothes was as good as new. Remarkably, a genin had been right.

Shrugging, the silver-haired man shuffled over to the door, presumably to the hallway. What he hadn't expected was to get slugged as soon as the doorway was clear. Right in the headband, too. The metal pushed into his constantly open Sharingan eye, probably causing damage, but clearly causing pain.

Kakashi shrieked in pain. After all, it wasn't often that he was hit by an enemy's attack. Seriously, the man supposedly knew over a thousand jutsu. Surely he had a way to take down just about any opponent.

"You stupid son of a bitch! How dare you sleep with my daughter?"

Tazuna was furious. This ninja, whom he'd hired, had threatened and insulted him. He'd scared him shitless countless times. He'd been forced to accept his age. But, sleeping with his precious little darling? That was unacceptable.

"Gah! Damn it, you stupid old man. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"

The only reply was a fist in the stomach.

"What the hell? How long are you gonna keep this up?"

A kick in the groin. Kakashi fell to his knees.

"S-son of a-"

An axe-kick to the back of the head.

"Why do I always get the crazy clients?"

A chop to the throat finished the poor man off. His vision faded to black as sweet, sweet unconsciousness took him.

* * *

"Ha! That bastard got his ass handed to him by a geezer. Serves him right."

Kakashi groaned as he opened his visible eye. "Demon, if I wasn't in so much pain, you'd be through the nearest wall and at least half a mile away, still airborne."

"Oh no he wouldn't," came the indignant reply from the woman he'd done the nasty with. "If you do anything like that, your ass will be the one fifty feet in the air."

The jounin shook his head in disbelief.

"And why are you, a woman, telling me what I can or can't do? Hell, what are you doing out of the kitchen?"

That comment earned him a slap. A really loud one, the kind you hear in a school cafeteria that makes all the immature little brats go "Ooooh..."

"Yeah, I guess I deserved that. By the way, I don't believe we've been introduced. Formally, anyway," he added with a smirk.

The dark-haired woman gave a start. "Oh, how rude of me. I'm Tsunami, Tazuna's daughter. And you are?"

"Kakashi. Hatake Kakashi."

"It's a pleasure."

"Likewise." The silver-haired man glanced around. "And who's the kid that looks like he could give Emo a run for his money?"

Tsunami sighed. "That's Inari, the result of a broken condom."

The look on Inari's face was priceless. He'd always assumed that his cheerful, kindly mother loved him unconditionally. Apparently, that wasn't the case. At least his father, whoever he was, loved him. The shocked child returned to the conversation, only to have his world rocked once again.

"...Yeah, his father was one of those guys looking for a one-night stand. We were both drunk off our asses by the time we got into bed. And, the next day, he was gone. He left some money and a little note that said, 'If you get pregnant, go with an abortion. I hate children.'"

Inari tried to remain calm. He still had Kaiza, the man he'd looked up to unlike any other.

"...And then there was Kaiza. The man was so talented under the sheets, but he secretly detested Inari..."

A gunshot attracted the attention of the two gossipers. Before them was a smoking gun, a boy with a gaping hole in his head, and a ton of blood and gore all over the carpet. Tsunami screamed.

"Damn brat. Even in death, he causes trouble. It will take forever to get the stains out."

Kakashi quietly offered his condolences, giving the woman a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. Here was further proof that children were evil.

* * *

"So, Teach, what're we learning today?" came Naruto's nasally question.

"How to shut the hell up and be a good little boy," Kakashi deadpanned.

The quartet, also known as Team 7, quickly traversed to the bridge they were supposed to defend. The jounin tuned out his chatty minions, and looked across the expanse of the nearly complete project. There was something off, but he couldn't quite place it.

"Oh my God!" Sakura cried. "Everyone's dead."

Ah, that was it.

Kakashi's eyes narrowed a second later. "Yeah, everyone except two ninja I could have sworn were rotting on the path to Wave."

Indeed, the sword-wielding Zabuza, and his little slave were right before them.

"Seriously," Sasuke asked, earning him a heated glare from his teacher, "why are you two alive?"

Zabuza shrugged. "Most likely due to a lack of creativity and a gross disregard for massive plot holes."

"Works for me," Kakashi stated before taking several paces backward.

Naruto blinked. "What are you-"

A sound, even louder than a gunshot, made the three genin jump. The two missing-nin probably would have jumped as well, but they were too preoccupied with the gigantic holes in their torsos. Yes, it is most difficult, indeed, to jump when one is dead.

"Hey, where the hell did you get a freaking cannon?" It doesn't matter who said it. Really, who cares about those kids? Heck, most fanfiction authors don't even write about the twelve-year-old versions. Or, if they do, it's usually poorly written. (No offense to any fellow authors out there.)

"That's beside the point. What's important is that we're done with our job. Let's go."

They walked away, before stopping at the sound of a dark chuckle. Turning, the group spotted a tiny, disproportioned man in a suit.

"Why, oh why don't these people just give up already?" Kakashi griped. With a lazy, one-handed seal, he blasted the man into oblivion. The jutsu had an excellent name, but, at the moment, the jounin couldn't care less.

"Okay. Now we can leave."

And leave they did.

* * *

Sarutobi was surprised, to say the least.

"Back already? I didn't expect to see you again for nearly a month."

"Yes, we're back, and we had to deal with an A-rank missing-nin, so I expect compensation."

A scraggly eyebrow rose. "Oh? Who?"

"Momochi Zabuza."

"Ah. He was recently lowered to C-rank, I'm afraid."

"What? Bullshit. That's not what the Bingo Book says."

The Hokage sighed. "Kakashi, you haven't been by to pick up one of those in five years. Of course you don't have the most recent information."

"...Damn. Fine, just pay me, and I'll go."

"You do realize you're supposed to file a mission report, right?"

Thinking for only a moment, Kakashi pointed. "Demon, you do it."

"Kakashi! You know the law."

"Yeah, but these kids already know why I call him Demon."

That gave the old man pause. "W-well, that still doesn't explain why you're shoving you duty as team leader onto a subordinate. Oh...wait...you're Kakashi. Never mind. Here." He handed the lazy jounin his pay.

"See ya!" Kakashi was gone in the blink of an eye. Sarutobi looked around, noticing the genin for, probably, the first time.

"What are you brats doing here? Shoo!"

Sasuke gave the man a look. "Aren't we supposed to be paid?"

"I am Hokage. You are my bitches. Leave."

"And I'm a freaking Uchiha. Pay me, damn it."

"No. I. Am. Hokage. Leave before I send Gai after you."

The genin were gone in seconds.

"That's what I thought...bitch."

* * *

**AN:** Ya know what? I'm not really in the mood to write a note. Review.


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